Sex Sells

I wanted to get some writing done this weekend.  Unfortunately, the pills I’m on are making me too nauseous to concentrate for more than a few minutes at a time.  I decided to scroll through the Blogosphere and found this little gem posted by John Smith.

I guess I just assumed that somewhere in Nevada there were a few legal male prostitutes.  Perhaps a high-end escort service for wealthy women?  Apparently Markus at the Shady Lady is the first legal male prostitute in the US.

Before becoming a gigolo, Markus moved to L.A. to make a career in porn.  He found out the hard way that most male porn stars have to break into the business through the back door.  That is, male porn stars make dirt money and, to make a living, they have to do “gay-for-pay” to make ends meet.

Unwilling to make that compromise, Markus found himself unemployed.

For the owners of the Shady Lady, this wasn’t an issue.  Their intention was to offer services for heterosexual female clients, who are apparently an under-served minority.

However, at least one of his new peers has taken umbrage with Markus’ heterosexuality.

“How can you just turn down services because of what someone’s preferences is?” a 22-year-old prostitute named Cuddles, who works at the nearby Angel’s Ladies Brothel, told the Associated Press.  ”It comes with the territory.  It comes with the business.”

I guess a Woman’s Right to Choose is exclusive.  When a girl wants to sell her virginity, women applaud and chant Grrl Power.  When a man wants to make a career in the sex trade, who does he think he is?

Of course, Natalie Dylan did say she hadn’t ruled out the possibility of losing her virginity to another woman.  When you’re asking three and a half million for your cherry, you fuck whoever is willing to meet your reserve.

For a lousy three hundred an hour, I think Markus has the right to discriminate.

(First published at The Spearhead)

“Any man who sets foot in a strip club faces a potential moral dilemma:

How would I feel about this if it were my daughter?

I am cavalier in this regard because I have no desire to be a father.  I can, and have, let a stripper grind my leg until she bled and my only regret was tipping her.  However, I recognize that there are breeders among us who do not share my apathy.

For some, the answer is simple: Don’t go to strip clubs.  For others, the solution is not so cut and dry.  My own moral emotions are such that, if by some unfortunate accident I ever spawned a daughter, I would do everything in my power to keep my kid off the pole.

Having a daughter would not stop me from going to strip clubs.  I would be an authoritarian parent, but keeping my own daughter from being a slut would not necessarily change my own behavior toward other existing sluts.”

My objection to this circumstance is not the hypocrisy of the do as I say, not as I do mentality.  My objection is that taking advantage of a system without contributing back to it is exploitative.  In the world of Slut Economics, these exploitative fathers who safeguard their daughters’ virtue while taking advantage of some other man’s slutty child represent a kind of redistribution.

Redistribution is an economic model in which some suffer for the benefit of others.  Redistribution ignores the value of the individual.  Robert Nozick summed it up best;

“There is no justified sacrifice of some of us for others.  This root idea, namely, that there are different individuals with separate lives, and so no one may be sacrificed for others.” (Anarchy, State, and Utopia; p.33)

While other men are missing soft ball games and dance recitals, these selfish fathers are tending to the emotional needs of their daughters.  The exploitative fathers do not provide the necessary emotional neglect for their daughters to develop the loose morals and substance abuse to become a top-tier slut.

How dare they?

It’s the Problem of the Commons, really.  If every man in town is allowed to graze his cattle for an hour a day, the system can sustain itself.  If every man thinks that he can take a little extra without hurting things, every man will.  Before you know it, the commons are ruined.

I would reckon that there are many more exploitative fathers than there are the opposite.  Furthermore, I suspect that more girls are driven to the pole by unintentional neglect than by the deliberate effort of some considerate soul looking to put back into the system that he has benefited from.

I also recognize that some fathers fail to protect their daughters’ virtue.  Despite their best efforts, some combination of factors beyond their understanding or influence conspire against them.

Statisticians do not seem devoted to the task of monitoring the ebb and flow of the Slut Economy.  My intuition on the matter tells me that more men are inclined to prevent their daughters from being sluts than not.  The amount of happy accidents and failure-fathers cannot keep up with Slut Demand unassisted.

How does the Slut Economy sustain itself with such rabid demand when so many men are dead-set against contributing back to the system?

The answer is efficiency.

The raw efficiency of the individual slut is responsible for the success of the system.  Consider the following:

One stripper spinning around a pole can service the “stripping needs” of hundreds, if not thousands, of men in a year.  If only 1% of a stripper’s clientele manages to produce a slut, then the system can self-sustain.

. . . And that’s just stripping.

One porn actress can fuck dozens, if not hundreds of men in her first year alone.  With the popularity of MILF porn, a girl who starts out dancing in her twenties and ends up in porn can have a full and rewarding career.  By 40 she will have serviced the slut needs of thousands of men.

Between the men she danced for, screwed on film, and the multiples more who have tugged off to her streaming videos, one slut is worth her weight in cocaine.

This is why Tiger Woods is an asshole.

Tiger Woods has laid claim to over a dozen Mistresses.  Mistresses are sluts.  However, Mistresses are sluts who are not living up to their potential.  The Mistress Ideal is a devoted woman, servicing the sexual needs of one married man who provides her with money, attention and sex.

Under different circumstances, a Mistress might service any number of men larger than 1.  I will concede that several of Tiger’s ladies were porn stars.  While Tiger did not stop them from their slut duties – if anything, their Mistress premium comes from from their being porn stars – he did keep the others from operating at maximal efficiency.

How many men did Tiger Woods inadvertently deny service?

Call Tiger an over-Alpha, call him whatever you want.  Idolizing his behavior is like rooting for the enemy.  Tiger Woods represents the worst kind of exploitation.  In the terms of Slut Economics, Tiger Woods is an anti force multiplier.

A man who goes to strip clubs, or has sex with prostitutes, is one thing.  He takes up a space on the dance card.  Tiger Woods was a selfish bastard.  Tiger collected Mistresses who were “sought after” women.  He then validated his own self worth by having exclusive access to (most of) them.

Mistresses, and the men who keep them, are a blight on the Slut Economy.  Men like Tiger thin the herd.  Even if the individual women he kept would not have fucked you, they might have serviced someone else along the hierarchy.  Somewhere along the way, in the blurry gray lines of social networking and alpha-beta hierarchy, some slut was sitting one rung higher up the ladder because of Tiger.

Somehow, because of Tiger Woods, some poor bastard went home alone.

“Dude, they should totally legalize that!  They can just tax the shit out of it!”

This is quite possibly one of the least intelligent thoughts to ever exit a head.  If you have this thought, I caution you to keep it to yourself.  In fact, un-think it.  The only way this idea should ever leave your head is in a fine pink mist behind an exiting bullet.

Let me explain . . .

I understand the sentiment behind this particular idea.  The operating notion here is a Compromise:

The government can benefit by taxing and regulating a new industry of legalized vice, and perhaps some of the money can be used to benefit the Social Good.  If we just legalize certain drugs and prostitution, perhaps we can fix Social Security and provide Universal Health Care.

This is a fine idea, in theory.  Allow me to break it down a bit to identify all the parts that suck.

This idea presumes that the Government has the right to tell a person what they can do with or to their own body.  It’s called Paternalism, and it assumes a) that drugs and prostitution are inherently bad and therefore b) people should not be allowed to do them.

“Please, mom and dad?  Can I please have sex and drugs?”

Do you really want a Government run by felons, cheats and liars telling you whether or not you’re allowed to do something with your own body that won’t affect any non-consenting parties?

Holding to the idea of a Vice Tax presupposes that the Government/Society is correct in its assumption that drugs and prostitution are inherently wrong.  If they were not inherently wrong, then they wouldn’t be illegal and you wouldn’t be trying to compromise to have them made legal.

If drugs and prostitution are inherently wrong then conditional legalization would not make them “un-wrong”.  In this case, the idea of the Vice Tax works like a bribe – it assumes that the government has something to gain by this new source of revenue.  Either the government can use this money for more pork barrel spending or they can use the funding for social welfare programs.

Unfortunately, these social welfare programs would then be funded by something we presume to be vicious by its very nature.  Our Fair Republic would have health care, sure . . . but it would be funded by the uncontrollable habits of junkies and sex fiends.  From a ethical stand-point, this is a nightmare.

Little Timmy will get his immunizations, but he’ll be sitting in line at the clinic with ten people waiting for methadone, HIV and death.

I don’t honestly believe that legalizing drugs and prostitution will cause drug and sex addiction to spiral out of control.  I simply want to make the point that if something is illegal because it is “wrong”, then bribing the government to legalize it anyway isn’t going to change the moral worth of that thing.

Consider how a bunch of lesbians, granolas and stoners are fighting to get Coca-Cola banned on college campuses around the country because union organizers at South American bottling plants are being murdered.

Do you think these self-righteous Moral Crusaders are going to feel any differently about your newly legal addiction to speed-balls?  What about the National Organization for Women – how do you suppose they’re going to feel about a Nationalized industry of legal prostitution?

They’ll call it female sex slavery – and the money it generates for “Health Care” will be called blood money for America’s sloth and junk-food addiction.

How is that little Vice-Tax-Funded Utopian Vision working out so far?

Now let’s consider the money aspect of it a little closer.  Are you a smoker?  Have you seen the cost of cigarettes rising over the last ten years?

There has been a tremendous fight over the addictive nature of nicotine and tobacco products.  Millions of dollars have been paid out to lawyers, and in court settlements.  Despite all this, the Government, in its infinite wisdom, decided to levy harsh taxes on cigarettes “to force Americans to quit”.

What a fucking lie.

The Government is taxing the Hell out of smokers because they know that smokers are addicted, and will continue to buy cigarettes.  Taxes have grown so high that smokers in the Northeast will make pilgrimages to Indian Reservations to avoid the tax when they stock up on smokes.

New York State has lost so much revenue that it is seeking to violate treaties with the Iroquois Nation by charging them sales tax.  These are treaties that date back to the formation of this country – treaties which made Native Americans tax exempt on account of we conquered them and stole their land.

If the Government legalizes drugs and prostitution, by the time they get done slapping taxes on your habit it will be more prohibitively expensive than ever before.  You’ll be buying a gram for $750.99.  A blowjob (with a Government approved condom) will run about $500.00, plus fees.  By the time it’s all said and done, maybe once a year you’ll be able to afford that coke-fueled threesome you had your heart set on.

A whole new black market will spring up so that people can dodge the taxes and have their drugs.  The Government won’t make any money, Little Timmy won’t get his Health Care and the whole thing will crash before it even gets off the ground.

The Government can’t tell you what Church to go to.  It can’t tell you what car to drive (though it’s trying).  We’re supposed to have free speech.  We’re supposed to have the Rights to Life, Liberty and Property.

Yet here we are, two hundred years later, and we’ve gone from “No Taxation without Representation” to “Tax the shit out of it, just let us have it back!”

People wonder why the Government is robbing them blind.  They’re doing it because you told them to . . .

Big likes to say “You’re Paying for the Priviledge of Paying to see some tits.  And that’s unconstitutional.”

I agree, but this is only part of the problem.

Maybe I’m terribly unimaginative, but I have a difficult time suspending disbelief.  If I’m watching a movie and I notice some sort of inaccuracy involving cars or firearms, it drives me crazy.  It ruins the moment.

Strip clubs are supposed to be selling Sex.  You don’t go there for the chicken wings.  You certainly aren’t there for the atmosphere. You go because they have boobs there.  However, no matter how much you spend you’re not supposed to touch anything and you can’t get Take-Out.

That’s one Hell of a trick.  Strip clubs advertise SEX when they’re not usually actually selling any.  They’re expensive, they’re annoying and you go home covered in glitter.  You can’t wear a hat, and the ATM charges an $8 fee.  After all that, what have you got to show for yourself?

Blue balls.

Strip clubs have suggestive names, and so do all the girls.  They wear cute little outfits.  They swing their hips and wear loads of make-up.  The lights are low, so you can only see the outline of their curves until they press themselves into your face.  Everything in the place screams SEX! but there is no actual sex to be found.

At least, there’s not “supposed” to be.

So you pay the $10 cover.  You buy your two manditory $8 cokes and you park your ass next to the stage with a stack of singles.  Here comes Bubbles, with the perkiest little smile and her pink lipstick and two of the cutest little Apple Pie breasts on the planet.  And yes, she was born with these, honey!

“Here’s your dollar, Bubbles.  Get the fuck off my lap.  There’s another buck if you go ’round back and fetch me something with a real set of headlights.”

There is nothing in the world more insulting than a stripper with natural breasts.

I understand that not all guys like big tits.  That’s beside the point.  It’s not that I find girls with smaller breasts unattractive.  So long as they’re proportionate, athletic looking girls with right-sized breasts are great -

Except when I’m paying to see them.

Now comes the canned arguments against breast augmentation that I will inevitably hear.  These come from  men more often than from women.

I’ve heard men argue that fake breasts don’t look right, that they’re disproportionate or disgusting, or that they don’t feel as good as a real breast.  I’ve even heard men say that any woman who would augment her breasts is stupid and shallow – that she would only get implants for attention because she has nothing else to offer.

Women, on the other hand, argue against implants on the grounds that women should not have to “do that to themselves” just to please men.

I’m going to go right down the list, explaining why these people are douchebags.

1) It’s called a “Titty Bar” for a reason.  We’re not there to see the legs, or the ass, so much as to see the tits.  In places where rules governing strip clubs and alcohol are strict, what part gets covered up?  Not the tits.

For the woman who works in the titty bar, it is her profession to show her tits.  I’m not there to see tits I can see outside of the strip club.  I want to see Professional Grade tits.  Strippers should be hot-rodded out for sex.

Girls on the street are your average pedestrian breast-havers.  They’re the Honda Civics of the Breast world.  If I’m paying to see some breasts, they had better be the 572 Big Block Chevy of tits, with a roll-cage and a supercharger.

2) Sure, fake breasts feel different.  They’re firmer and heavier and when you squeeze them you know something’s up.  Maybe some guys don’t like them, and that’s fine.  Those guys are douchebags.

After any kind of time, Natural Breasts go straight to Hell.  Even small ones turn to fried eggs.  Big naturals are just frustrating – you try to suck on the nipple and the tit runs away from you, down into the armpit.  You try to fuck them and they’re all over the place.  They’re soft, but you can’t get the friction you need.  With fake breasts none of this is a problem.

3) Saying that fake breasts look bad is a bullshit generality.  ”Of the set of things that are fake tits, all of them are ugly.”

A large swathe of Hollywood starlets have implants and you’d never fucking know it.  The augmentation might be small.  A good surgeon can go under the muscle and you’d be hard pressed to tell the difference.

Then again, I like the way fake tits look.  As long as the doctor did his job and I’m not being stared down by two wall-eyed vein-monsters, I prefer the way fake breasts look.  I also love the look on a stripper’s face when I accurately guess how many CC’s she’s got.

4) The idea that girls who augment their breasts are stupid and insecure is another bullshit generality.  ”Of that set of things, you’re a douchebag.”

There are plenty of intelligent women with breast implants.  They can have graduate degrees and successful jobs, or businesses of their own.  They can be like any other woman on the planet, except that they have implants.

This is not to say that there aren’t also a few shallow, vacant bimbos with fake tits.  If they try to tell you that story about their uncle, kindly say “no thank you” and push them out the passenger door.

Let’s face it, if you’d been raped as a teenager or spent most of the ’90s working in a strip club you’d have a thousand yard stare and a coke habit too.  Don’t blame it on the tits.

5) Men are not the only reason women get implants.

I suspect that women look at breast implants the way men look at steroids.  A few will demonize them out-right.  The rest are a little hesitant to judge because in the back of their mind they think maybe some day, if they’ve got the money, they’ll do it too.

You know, not to be huge.  Just to catch up a little.  Then they’ll be happy.

Women aren’t getting implants expressly for men anymore than men are juicing expressly for women.  Guys are juicing to fit a certain idea of Manhood that has a lot more to do with being a man than it does with impressing women.

5a) Also, not all strippers give a fuck what men think in the first place.  Most of the successful ones don’t really care in the least.  They’ll waggle their bits for men, sure – but not for the approval.  They’ve got dollar-sign eyes and a big, empty grin.

Back stage they relish in the power they have to make a man empty his checking account on the vaguest prospect that they might fuck him.  Then they’re laughing all the way to the bank because:

99.98% of all strippers anywhere, ever, are bisexual or lesbians.

. . . And the ones that aren’t haven’t been doing it very long.

This headline was overshadowed by Hillary’s day-long testimony yesterday.  I was plugged into national news all day, listening to that Superbowl of Assholes.

There are so many places to go with this one – It was really CNN’s video clip about Natalie Dylan that caught my attention.  There are a lot of people you shouldn’t trust for your news, especially if you can’t make up your own mind about things.  In particular, be wary of any information outlet that is forced to dumb itself down for the sake of Public Decency.

Of course, that doesn’t stop them from offering a fucking T-shirt.

This really cuts to the core of what is wrong with the way America views sex – let’s go right down the list . . .

1. Virginity: This reminds me of that despicable “Sweet 16″ show, about the lavish birthday parties rich tit-heads throw for their spoiled little girls.

I have never shared the fascination some men have with virgin girls.  Personally, I’m an “experience” guy, I like a good Bang for my Buck.  What’s the perceived value in a female virgin?  Is it the belief that she’s tighter and the sex will be more pleasurable?  Or is it something more “intangible”?

I’ll dismiss this non-sense on face.  Any guy whose been around the block a few times ought to know that an inexperienced girl might have a box like a wind tunnel.  Conversely, that stripper about to make the leap to porn, who works out six days a week, can shoot ping-pong balls (accurately) out of her vagina, or lift a stack of quarters off your beer and make change for a dollar.

Is she pure?  Hell no!  She’s got something better – experience.  Sure, Natalie might be tight but what difference does that make?  The girls at the Bunny Ranch can give her all the pointers they want; understanding the “theory of operation” is no substitute for practice.

As for intangibility, there’s no such thing.  Intangibility is the word a man slaps on paying $3.7 Million for lousy sex.  When someone waxes poetic about the “passion” of a Ferrari, they’re not talking about some magical pixie dust sprinkled on the engine – they’re talking about the thousands of hours of R&D that go into making the finished product . . . which brings me back to experience.

You can keep the 72 Virgins.  When I get to Hell I’ll take two strippers and a bottle of Wild Turkey, thanks.

2. Prostitution.  I was not surprised to see Dennis Hof’s name pop up – if a girl is going to auction off her virginity, EBay is not the place.  She could try Craigslist, but I wouldn’t recommend it – Natalie isn’t going to pay for Grad School with lint and stale Cheetos.

If you want a good lay and money’s no object, The Moonlight Bunny Ranch is the place.  I’ve never been – but I’ve seen more than a few of Isabella Soprano’s videos.  If the movie is as good as the trailers, then it’s worth the price of admission.

Of course, CNN’s bobble-heads (the male, in particular), would have to mouth off about what a stupid decision Natalie is making.  In their dilute way they were calling her a whore.  Which is fine . . . she can color the whole thing however she wants, she’s expressly looking to trade sex for money.  She doesn’t have power windows or heated seats, so the Virgin bit is just the headline to get the buyers in the door.  However, that doesn’t make her a bad person by itself . . . plenty of women take money for sex every day.  They’re called “women”.

Personally, I think she’s a smart girl.  Her sister managed to pay for college after only three weeks at the Bunny Ranch.  Natalie knows a good thing when she sees it.  She upped the ante with the whole Virgin angle, but that shows that she knows how to work a deal.  $3.7 M would tick a lot of options at the local Lamborghini dealership.  If it were my money, I’d be demanding “value added services”.  ”Crying” and “Bleeding” don’t count.

3. Stigma.  I don’t envy Natalie.  She’s got every Jesus-thumping housewife in America calling her a whore.  None of them have any room to talk.  They’ll hide behind some sense of Christian propriety, but the truth is that they’re jealous because they sold themselves cheap.

I lied . . . Jealousy doesn’t begin to describe how I feel.  If she’s as smart as I think she is, Natalie will capitalize on this well beyond the initial auction.  If she hasn’t already, she’s going to have offers raining down from every major porn outlet.  She’s an air-brush away from being on the next cover of Playboy.  All she needs to do is capitalize on her 15 minutes and she can make enough money to start her own business and laugh all the way to the bank.

People can insult her all they want (and they will).  Wait until she launches her own line of lingerie and sex toys, or maybe a production company for softcore erotica.   They’ll be sniveling at her feet when she becomes her own pocket industry.  Forget about stigma . . . if that isn’t Female Empowerment, I don’t know what is.

(Finished reading?  Get Fuck’d.)