No, really . . .

Three things you didn’t know about me.

Explained.

After the jump.

1. Soap

I buy things in bulk.  Socks, t-shirts, condoms . . .

But I buy soap as an obsessive compulsive habit.  I tend to horde things.  Books, Internet bookmarks, hand-written notes – Information.  These things are normal.

I horde soap.  Hygine products, really.  Cleansers, lotion, even razors – and I rarely fucking shave – but hygine products in general.  I like knowing that I have certain staple items around, no matter what . . .

I shower three times a day and I only shop for soap once a year.

2. Food

I eat everything cold.  That isn’t to say that I let my food set once I cook it.  It isn’t even that I can’t cook – I do more with whiskey and tenderloin than you ever thought possible.

. . . but I prefer not to.

I eat things out of cans.  Lid off.  Eaten.  I eat frozen food . . . frozen.  I drink soup from the can.  No leftover is safe.  When I need calories, I don’t give a fuck where they come from.

3. Alcohol

I drink.  A lot.

But you already knew that.  The reason you know is that I tell you about it.  Alcohol is central to my life, but not in the way you might think.

The lives of pedestrian drunks revolve around alcohol.  They cannot function without it.  In my case, alcohol is self-medication.  In fact, alcohol is more a consequence than a cause.

When I am sober I am tense, anxious and miserable.  Even worse, I’m motivated to act on my anger.  Alcohol calms me just enough to keep me from unleashing my malice on Society.  While it may have certain negative side-effects, alcohol is responsible for helping me remain a semi-productive member of this tenuous Social Contract.

I can live without alcohol – without the bar tabs, memory loss, and hangovers – but, believe me, you wouldn’t like it if I did.  So, if you buy that Logic, I don’t drink because I’m an addict.  I drink because life without alcohol would be “solitary, poore, nasty, brutish and short.”