A Matter of Time
- June 27th, 2010
- Posted in Max
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Dear Readers,
I owe you a debt of gratitude. Your attention this past year has been invaluable to me. These last twelve months have been very difficult for me. The things I have shared with you are the result of a great deal of soul-searching. Knowing that someone is reading, no matter what they think of me, has allowed me to look into myself to examine my actions and motivation. My next journey I take with all the gravity due it.
However long or brief, what comes next shall be the defining moments of my life.
The details are spare for many reasons. PERSEC/INFOSEC is a concern – I value my security clearance and my career – and thus I cannot tell you many things. The stories I have shared with you are relatively tame. Some things are simply personal – the kind of things I share with friends over a drink – or cannot be shared for legal reasons.
There are some things that I simply do not know how to express. I cannot tell you how beautiful my ex looked, smiling into the distance with a flower tucked in her hair. I can’t tell you what it felt like to lay beside her at night, curled together. I can’t explain to you what that means to me.
I can tell you what it feels like to hate. I can tell you what it feels like to cut the blood flow to someone’s brain. I like it.
I can tell you that I am a lousy brother, and a lousy son and grandson. I have neglected my family at points when they needed my attention, so wrapped up in my own problems that I failed to nurture those relationships most important to me. I can tell you that I am an awful jackass. I can tell you that you don’t want to know me.
I believe that my failures as a person will serve me well as a soldier. I refuse to qualify that statement.
I make no guarantees about how much longer I will maintain this site.
Thanks,
Max
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Dear Max,
There are not enough words to express the range of emotions that I am feeling now. I have a knot in my stomach and tears in my eyes to think that I won’t see you when I open FB. I have enjoyed your stories and shared them with friends. I work with a group of writers, artists, musicians, and teachers in a rather free thinking environment. We now approach problems with the question “What would Max do”. WWMD. You have inspired and challenged us. Please also know how proud I am of you. Your decision wasn’t easy. No wonder your family is upset. You are a very special person, Max. I hope you never forget that there are many people here who support you and love you and that big chip on your shoulder. I wish you all the best in life. I wish you a good bad time. Be safe my friend.
Cathy
What keeps me coming back to FKIN is the high calibre of your thinking, the depth and intellect that also coinsides with raw masculinity.
I find this is rare in western society, or at least popular culture does not recognise the inherent fusion of intellect, depth and grass roots, man’s man, at-the-coalface masculinity.
It’s as if society only sees intellectuality in men as nerdish and benign, yet physical and mental toughness in men as ‘all brawn and no brains’.
I’m sure this was not the case before as civilisation’s inception and evolution required this medley to come to fruition.
Anyway, cheers mate for sharing your journey with us.
You will be missed: Sorely!
Thank you, everyone, for the kind words. I promise to disappoint every higher ideal in my quest to blow shit up and kill people. Also, I will probably continue to get inappropriately drunk in strange places until someone renders me.
I’ll be around for a bit yet. Stay tuned.
welcome to the blogosphere. it’s not till u post some stuff like this, that you’ve really had the blog look back into you instead of how most of us start, which is pouring ourselves into the blog.