Grade: B

Price/Proof: $27-30/liter; 70 Proof

Taste: Sickly-sweet, herbal

Douchebag Factor: 10/10; This should be self-explanatory.

Bottom Line: A combination of 56 things scraped off a hunter’s boots. The flavor’s not bad by itself, but it’s rather syrupy and doesn’t mix terribly well. This is probably why (here in the States) it’s generally taken as a shot, or mixed with urine flavored energy drinks.

The reputation that Jagermeister has for being dangerous has less to do with the herbs or its potency than the fact that most of the people drinking it are rank fucking amateurs. Jagermeister is a meager 70 proof, a difference of concentration that adds up over time for a liquor drinker. However, people accustomed to beer and mixed drinks do not pace themselves properly and wind up butt-hurt rather quickly.

I’ll drink it if someone else is buying.

- Max

Rating: R

Genre: Drama, Crime, Thriller

Score: 10/10

Director: Martin Scorsese

Actors: Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson, Mark Wahlberg, Martin Sheen, Alec Baldwin

Gist: The Massachusetts State Police and the Irish Mafia simultaneously infiltrate one another. When the presence of undercover agents is discovered it becomes a frantic mole-hunt on both sides. In this world, everyone is a rat.

Bottom Line: A remake of Infernal Affairs, the movie is about identity and self-deception. Notice that none of the criminals have children; Costello (Nicholson) has never had kids, so he “adopts” Colin. Colin (Damon) is impotent. His girlfriend only gets knocked up when Costigan (DiCaprio) has sex with her. The underlying theme here is that all these men are rats (Costigan has the law on his side), and as rats they are emasculated.

Memorable Quotes: Costello: “Church wants you in your place. Kneel, stand, kneel, stand. If you go for that sort of thing, I don’t know what to do for you. A man makes his own way. No one gives it to you. You have to take it. ‘Non serviam.’”

Bromosexuals. We have some more colorful names for these douche-bags, but you can check out The Writeup on them for the basics. I was linked to This Book Review (written by Carol Hartsell) last night and it fairly well sums up why I quickly lose my temper around this kind of nonsense.

Here’s The Original Article, posted at Drinkatwork.com, unedited by the sensitive Sallies over at Lemondrop.

- Max

Rating: R

Genre: Western

Score: 9/10

Director: Clint Eastwood

Actors: Clint Eastwood, Morgan Freeman, Gene Hackman

Gist: Retired killer William Munny eeks out a living as a hardscrabble farmer.  Reluctantly accepting a job to avenge a cut whore, Munny heads to the town of Big Whiskey with partner Ned and a tag-along eager for action.

Bottom Line: This is the most revisionist western ever made; what would happen to the badass gunfighter if he lived to retirement age.  Eastwood masterfully demonstrates the perpetual cycle of consequential violence, and the lack of “heroism” in the gunfighter archetype.

Memorable Quotes: Munny: “Deserve’s got nothin’ to do with it.”

Rating: PG-13 (?)

Score: 9/10

Director:  Akira Kurosawa

Actors:  Toshiro Mifune

Gist:  A nameless ronin (Sanjuro: Mifune) wanders into a town divided by rival gangs.  Seeking to profit from both sides, the ronin plays both ends against the middle.

Bottom Line:  Classic Japanese cinema, emulating a Dashiell Hammett character (the Continental Op) and filmed in the style of an American western.  “Yojimbo” has several notable remakes (authorized and not), including A Fistful of Dollars and Last Man Standing.  Own it.

Memorable Quotes:  “No cure for fools.”

This phenomenon is the counter-culture to metrosexuality. Bromosexuality is characterized by disingenuous displays of masculinity. Bromosexuality is illustrated brilliantly in the video “My New Haircut”, demonstrating a breed we call the “Johnny” (short for “Johnny Long Island” – essentially a “guido”).

Bromosexuals embody the worst stereotypes of men. Beer-swilling, belching, farting super-fans. Unintelligent and dim-witted, phony-suave, phony-tough . . . take your pick. They spout “bro-science” at the gym, and they’ll swear that they’d they could “fuckin’ take every muthafucka” in the bar. They lack any kind of values, like honesty or integrity, that real men should have.

“Bromo” – Even attempting to abbreviate the term is ridiculous. This ranks with “bro-ski” and “broseph” as two of the stupidest, least appropriate things to ever call another man. Odds are, if you’re referring to someone as either of these two things you don’t know them very well. This means that you’re acting overly familiar, and you’re overstepping your boundaries. In point of fact, you’re being an asshole and you deserve to be smacked.

Check out “Bromance” for more . . .

We like to drink. Alcohol is the solution in which we dissolve our problems, dull our senses and generally turn off our sensitivity to life’s aggravations. The following is an explanation of our scale, grade for grade.

C- Utter swill. Cheap, poor quality. Not worth the hangover.

C Inexpensive. Passing grade on taste if you’re only looking to get hammered. Unfortunately, it may have been adopted as the drink of choice by some hipster crowd or other pretentious band of douche-bags.

C+ Entertainment Value. If you’re looking to get drunk on the cheap, this will do just fine.

B- Overpriced call brand. Probably the result of good marketing. Don’t bother.

B Decent call brand. Unfortunately, it has some stigma attached to it and you may look like an asshole for drinking it.

B+ Good call brand. Worth the extra money.

A- Overpriced shelf. For some reason people drink this over-priced, over-labeled garbage.

A Hyped shelf. A good thing gone foul, this has become the drink-of-choice for some celebrity or sub-set. What may have been a decent drink is now overpriced for the fact that you look like a total fuck-head for ordering it.

A+ Top shelf. This is the milk that flows forth from God’s tit. Pure, sweet nectar, and worth every penny.

Rating: PG-13 (?)

Genre: Western

Score: 9/10

Director: Clint Eastwood

Actors: Clint Eastwood, Verna Bloom, Marianna Hill, Billy Curtis

Gist: A mysterious stranger comes to the town of Lago. He commits three murders and a (disputable) rape in the opening scenes of the movie. Finding Lago to be thoroughly corrupt, he offers to help the townspeople defend against a band of outlaws who are headed to destroy the town. The stranger turns the town inside out, (literally) painting it red and renaming it Hell. There are implications that the stranger may be the specter of the town’s murdered sheriff, a spirit of vengeance.

Bottom Line: This is an Eastwood western at its best. The stranger is uncompromising, clever, and self-assured. He shows the townspeople for what they are; sad, miserable and corrupt. His is a filthy brand of justice – an eye for an eye.

Memorable Quotes;  Mordacai: “What did you say your name was?”  The Stranger: “I didn’t.”