This week is my kid sister’s 21st Birthday.  When she turned 16, I pulled a bottle of bourbon from my desk drawer and poured her a shot.  She slugged it back, had a thoughtful moment, and described its flavor.

A natural . . .

For this one, I need to up the ante.  However, I do not believe that anyone’s 21st should be a gut-sick mess.  If you’re going to learn to drink, learn to drink properly.

One must know the rules.

1. No Driving

Never, under any circumstances, drive drunk.  I have metabolized more alcohol than most people have food, and I can’t think of one night of binge drinking worth ruining my life for.

2. Be Fashionably Late

Showing up on time looks try-hard.  Others should feel graced with your presence.  Don’t let anyone think you had nothing better to be doing until the minute you strolled through the door.

3. Pre-Game

Never show up sober.  Wherever you’re going, make sure you’re properly greased.  If you’re fashionably late, like you should be, then you’ve had ample time to put on a good face.

4. Cover Charge

Never start the night at a place with a cover.  If you’re going
somewhere with a band, go somewhere else first.  Don’t get stuck at a party prematurely.

5. Juke and Jive

Never go to a bar if you can’t stand the music everyone else is playing.  Avoid bars so loud you can’t hear a grenade drop.

6. Drink!  Always Drink!

Fuck “being seen”.  Don’t go anywhere you can’t afford to drink, or can’t get service.  The bar is there to serve you, not the other way around.

7. Never Leave a Drink Behind

This isn’t some stupid “Alcohol Abuse” rule.  Don’t put your drink down, don’t let it out of your sight.  It will either vanish or someone will drug you.

8. Never Leave a Friend Behind

I don’t care how drunk you get, never leave a friend behind.  Puking in an alley, arrested, stuck in the clutches of a fat girl . . . we’ve all been there.  Never leave a man behind.