I do not understand the premium placed on virginity.  The perception of purity.  The desire to invest a deeper meaning in the sexual act.  It all ends up the same: some crying, some bleeding, and a lifetime of shame and disappointment.

Or a few million dollars.  Some of you might remember Natalie Dylan, the 22 year-old auctioning off her virginity?  I’ve tried to find updates on her story, but she’s 14 minutes in, and ticking.  I looked at her official page on Dennis Hoff’s Bunny Ranch site, but it doesn’t list a current high bid.  I suppose if you’re curious, you could e-mail her . . .

In any case, I’m indifferent to the auction.  If she can turn a decent buck off a single trick, good for her.  I haven’t got a problem with the fact that some dumb bastard with more money than brains will eventually pay to poke her.

I have a problem with the reason for her high premium . . .

Natalie Dylan wants millions for her cherry.  That’s a God Damned lot of money to fuck someone.    Digging into the wealth of knowledge from her degree in Women’s Studies, Natalie claims that “virginity” is a shackle put on women to keep them in their place.  Auctioning off her virginity is ‘turn-about” as fair play.

Personally, I think girls enjoy that “shackle”.  In some cases, it’s the only thing they’ve got going for them.

Which is why I’m trying to fathom what, exactly, Natalie is selling.

Virginity is not an exchangeable commodity.  Technically she can sell it, but no one can receive it.  Virginity is an intangible.  I don’t believe in intangibles, so I want to know specifically what about virginity is worth 3.7 million dollars?

1) The Hymen Is there some magical property behind this little flap of skin?  Some girls have such a small hymen that it’s a non-issue.  Others tear theirs with tampons, or playing sports.  If the tearing of the hymen is not crucial to losing of one’s virginity, then the hymen is a vestigial growth.

2) First! What’s so special about being first?  Forum trolls still think this is clever.  So do frat guys.  I loathe fraternities.

How does an unwashed cunt like this, with a Keystone in one hand and his dick in the other, ever get laid?  Forcible coercion, Rohypnol, and the general inexperience of the average Freshman co-ed.  Guys like this love virgins because a virgin hasn’t already had a train of frat boys between her legs.

She doesn’t know well enough to run at the first sniff of Axe body spray because she has yet to equate that smell with bad sex.  A virgin’s inexperience screams “easy and naive”.

3) Virgin Purity Or does it?  The way Christians spout off about sex and immorality, one might think that good sex was invented in the middle 20th century.  Apparently, between the fall of the Roman Empire and the invention of Drive-In Movies, sodomy was the exclusive domain of prostitutes and homosexuals.

In a world where sex means death, there are some compelling reasons to pick one’s partners carefully.  Of course, teenagers have the same urges they have always had.  Pretty little suburban princesses may be “saving themselves”, but just what part of themselves they are saving?

A girl might not allow vaginal penetration, but she’ll suck your cock.  Is that still innocent?  What about the one who gives up anal, but not vaginal sex?  Is she still innocent?

4) The Pen Is Mightier This begs the question – does a penis have to enter a vagina for it to qualify as deflowering?  Does a penis have to be involved at all?

My cro-magnon hetero male instincts want to say yes.  However, if Puma Swede breaks a virgin’s cherry with a strap-on after some heated analingus, and the whole experience made it to DVD, I suspect that no one would accuse the girl of being a virgin anymore.

. . . So when Natalie says she would like to lose her virginity to Kim Kardashian, I ignore my gut impulse that this would be an “inauthentic” pairing.  Kim Kardashian is doing pretty well, considering she could sell ad space on her ass cheeks.  I doubt she needs the publicity of fucking Natalie Dylan.

. . . but I would still watch the internet bootleg of them fucking.

I don’t think it would quite be the “sociological experiment” Natalie claims, but it might help her stretch that last minute out a little longer.

The bottom line is that I don’t buy the virgin thing – don’t buy it, wouldn’t buy it – it isn’t valuable commodity.  It’s a bunch of false impressions about personal character and the “potential experience” and all of it sucks.

If you’re saving yourself, don’t.  The interest rate ain’t good, and there’s no Futures market for pussy.