It occurred to me this morning just how much I take for granted.  My privacy, for instance.  I spend most of my time at HQ plugged into the Cloud via Broadband and Cable News.  I can jerk off whenever I want, and never have to deal with the kind of moral ambiguities that I might face if I had been born a dicephalus twin.

It would be bad enough to spend your life waking up next to the same face, attached metaphorically at the hip by a wedding shackle.  Imagine waking up next to the same face because you’re conjoined at the shoulder.  I was reading about just such a person(s) this morning.

“The 18-year-old dicephalus twins have two spines, which join at the pelvis, two hearts and stomachs, three kidneys, two gall bladders and four lungs.

But they share one liver and ribcage and a nervous system.” – The Sun

I decided to compile a list of all the things that would be immediately queered by having to share a body with someone.

1. Drinking.  Of course this would be the first problem I list.  The old addage about having two hands and only one mouth – it’s no problem for this/these girl(s).  In fact, they have two stomachs as well so they can pour in the booze at twice the normal rate.  Boasting an extra kidney, they should be capable of some heroic binging.  Unfortunately, with only one liver between them they’re kind of fucked for the long term.

Bonus: You can always tell the cop it was the other girl’s decision to drive . . .

2. Driving.  Since we’re on the subject, if you thought one woman driver was bad, imagine two at the same time?  The level of indecision and bickering between two teen girls simultaneously behind the wheel is bound to cause some sort of rip in the space-time continuum.  If the Large Hadron Collider doesn’t kill us . . .

3. Finances.  Speaking of things no girl should have control over, are the girl(s) considered one person or two, for legal purposes?  Will they have separate credit cards?  What if one has great credit and the other is a shop-a-holic . . . it’s not like you can evict just the irresponsible one.

4. Bathroom.  Two girls, one bowl.  Each controls their own arm.  How do you decide who wipes?

5. Masturbation.  Is it incest?  The “Problem of the Commons” never addressed communal vaginas.  Before medical science allowed for dicephalus twins to live longer than a day, the only people worried about communal vaginas were Mormons and outlaw biker gangs.

Technically, the vagina belongs to both of them.  However, in either case they’d be fingering their own sister.  You can’t even find that on Craigslist. without getting flagged.

6. Sex.  Even if you can cross the Masturbation hurdle, sex is a whole different ball game.  Having sex with dicephalus twins means everything has to go through a Committee meeting first.  On the bright side, the possibilities for oral sex are endless.

Since their first private sexual experience is likely to be with each other, does that make them lesbians?  Bi-sexual?  How does that work?  What if one is only into women, and the other loves the cock?  Can one head sue the other for rape or sexual impropriety?  Would having sex with them count as a threesome?

If you thought getting your girlfriend to give up the Butt was hard, imagine these two.  While you might think that it’d be so difficult for them to find a date that they would gladly dole out Anal sex to anyone willing to do it, one might protest.  Sure, you can enlist the other sister to wear her down, but is it really worth the hassle just to fuck a dicephalus twin in the ass?

(By the way, the answer to that question is always yes.)