I hate strip clubs.

Big likes to say “You’re Paying for the Priviledge of Paying to see some tits.  And that’s unconstitutional.”

I agree, but this is only part of the problem.

Maybe I’m terribly unimaginative, but I have a difficult time suspending disbelief.  If I’m watching a movie and I notice some sort of inaccuracy involving cars or firearms, it drives me crazy.  It ruins the moment.

Strip clubs are supposed to be selling Sex.  You don’t go there for the chicken wings.  You certainly aren’t there for the atmosphere. You go because they have boobs there.  However, no matter how much you spend you’re not supposed to touch anything and you can’t get Take-Out.

That’s one Hell of a trick.  Strip clubs advertise SEX when they’re not usually actually selling any.  They’re expensive, they’re annoying and you go home covered in glitter.  You can’t wear a hat, and the ATM charges an $8 fee.  After all that, what have you got to show for yourself?

Blue balls.

Strip clubs have suggestive names, and so do all the girls.  They wear cute little outfits.  They swing their hips and wear loads of make-up.  The lights are low, so you can only see the outline of their curves until they press themselves into your face.  Everything in the place screams SEX! but there is no actual sex to be found.

At least, there’s not “supposed” to be.

So you pay the $10 cover.  You buy your two manditory $8 cokes and you park your ass next to the stage with a stack of singles.  Here comes Bubbles, with the perkiest little smile and her pink lipstick and two of the cutest little Apple Pie breasts on the planet.  And yes, she was born with these, honey!

“Here’s your dollar, Bubbles.  Get the fuck off my lap.  There’s another buck if you go ’round back and fetch me something with a real set of headlights.”

There is nothing in the world more insulting than a stripper with natural breasts.

I understand that not all guys like big tits.  That’s beside the point.  It’s not that I find girls with smaller breasts unattractive.  So long as they’re proportionate, athletic looking girls with right-sized breasts are great -

Except when I’m paying to see them.

Now comes the canned arguments against breast augmentation that I will inevitably hear.  These come from  men more often than from women.

I’ve heard men argue that fake breasts don’t look right, that they’re disproportionate or disgusting, or that they don’t feel as good as a real breast.  I’ve even heard men say that any woman who would augment her breasts is stupid and shallow – that she would only get implants for attention because she has nothing else to offer.

Women, on the other hand, argue against implants on the grounds that women should not have to “do that to themselves” just to please men.

I’m going to go right down the list, explaining why these people are douchebags.

1) It’s called a “Titty Bar” for a reason.  We’re not there to see the legs, or the ass, so much as to see the tits.  In places where rules governing strip clubs and alcohol are strict, what part gets covered up?  Not the tits.

For the woman who works in the titty bar, it is her profession to show her tits.  I’m not there to see tits I can see outside of the strip club.  I want to see Professional Grade tits.  Strippers should be hot-rodded out for sex.

Girls on the street are your average pedestrian breast-havers.  They’re the Honda Civics of the Breast world.  If I’m paying to see some breasts, they had better be the 572 Big Block Chevy of tits, with a roll-cage and a supercharger.

2) Sure, fake breasts feel different.  They’re firmer and heavier and when you squeeze them you know something’s up.  Maybe some guys don’t like them, and that’s fine.  Those guys are douchebags.

After any kind of time, Natural Breasts go straight to Hell.  Even small ones turn to fried eggs.  Big naturals are just frustrating – you try to suck on the nipple and the tit runs away from you, down into the armpit.  You try to fuck them and they’re all over the place.  They’re soft, but you can’t get the friction you need.  With fake breasts none of this is a problem.

3) Saying that fake breasts look bad is a bullshit generality.  ”Of the set of things that are fake tits, all of them are ugly.”

A large swathe of Hollywood starlets have implants and you’d never fucking know it.  The augmentation might be small.  A good surgeon can go under the muscle and you’d be hard pressed to tell the difference.

Then again, I like the way fake tits look.  As long as the doctor did his job and I’m not being stared down by two wall-eyed vein-monsters, I prefer the way fake breasts look.  I also love the look on a stripper’s face when I accurately guess how many CC’s she’s got.

4) The idea that girls who augment their breasts are stupid and insecure is another bullshit generality.  ”Of that set of things, you’re a douchebag.”

There are plenty of intelligent women with breast implants.  They can have graduate degrees and successful jobs, or businesses of their own.  They can be like any other woman on the planet, except that they have implants.

This is not to say that there aren’t also a few shallow, vacant bimbos with fake tits.  If they try to tell you that story about their uncle, kindly say “no thank you” and push them out the passenger door.

Let’s face it, if you’d been raped as a teenager or spent most of the ’90s working in a strip club you’d have a thousand yard stare and a coke habit too.  Don’t blame it on the tits.

5) Men are not the only reason women get implants.

I suspect that women look at breast implants the way men look at steroids.  A few will demonize them out-right.  The rest are a little hesitant to judge because in the back of their mind they think maybe some day, if they’ve got the money, they’ll do it too.

You know, not to be huge.  Just to catch up a little.  Then they’ll be happy.

Women aren’t getting implants expressly for men anymore than men are juicing expressly for women.  Guys are juicing to fit a certain idea of Manhood that has a lot more to do with being a man than it does with impressing women.

5a) Also, not all strippers give a fuck what men think in the first place.  Most of the successful ones don’t really care in the least.  They’ll waggle their bits for men, sure – but not for the approval.  They’ve got dollar-sign eyes and a big, empty grin.

Back stage they relish in the power they have to make a man empty his checking account on the vaguest prospect that they might fuck him.  Then they’re laughing all the way to the bank because:

99.98% of all strippers anywhere, ever, are bisexual or lesbians.

. . . And the ones that aren’t haven’t been doing it very long.