You can tell a lot about a person by their drinking habits.

After a gluttonous holiday season, I have suddenly run out of whiskey.  Most of the time I am a monk.  I have to be.  I ration things for myself because I know that once I am moving I am at wide open throttle until the gas runs out.

I am a fiend.  If I have access to a liquor cabinet with more than just a lone bottle of booze in it, I will swim through it with the efficiency of military drill team.  I am sorting out the aftermath of my Christmas binge and I was reminded of some of my less flattering habits.  After running out of Maker’s, I was forced to take what I could get.

When faced with a stocked liquor cabinet, I cut through the ranks in a specific order:

1. Bourbon.

This is my go-to.  I will wash down bourbon with the kind of zeal that is usually preceded by someone chanting “Allahu Akbar!”  I start at the high end and work my way down the scale according to a) Proof and b) age/quality.

* The one exception is Woodford Reserve, which tastes too much like Scotch for me.

2. Rye.

It’s closer to bourbon, and better than Scotch.  I will drink top shelf Scotch over well brand rye, but it’s a tough call.

3. Scotch.

It’s still whisk(e)y.  As long as it doesn’t taste like pigeon shit or a forest fire, it’s better than beer.

4. Vodka.

I’ll tear through a magnum of Fleischmann’s like a hobo with a hangover.  Again, I’ll work my way down the Vodka scale according to quality and proof (which is easy, since age isn’t a factor), but basically it’s just ethanol.

Fuck you Goose people.

5. Rum.

I’ll drink Sailor Jerry’s over Fleischmann’s vodka, but Jerry’s is 90 proof.  Proof above all else.  That molasses sugar is a bitch of a hangover.

6. Gin.

I used to drink Bombay Sapphire like it was the Sacrament.  I miss it, sometimes.  Real martinis are made with gin.  All of you vodka martini drinkers are poseurs and faggots, and I have no sympathy for you when you crack up your C300 drunk.

7. Anything Over 70 Proof.

Face it, no one drinks to stay sober.

8. Beer, Wine, Sake.

At an average of 5% by volume, beer isn’t exactly the most efficient way to get loaded.  However, I can buy beer at 3 AM.  Most liquor stores close at 9 PM.  If I run out of whiskey at midnight, I’m not just going to give up . . .

9. Schnapps.

It’s stronger than beer . . . but Christ does that sugar make for a bad hangover.  I’ll drink it if I’m utterly desperate.